Thyroid? What's a Thyroid?

Just when you think you can't handle anything else, life hands you another "WTF". After my surgery in April and a week to recover, I got a voicemail from my nurse practitioner at the oncologist office. When I called her back she was munching on her lunch. Between bites I could hear her rustling through folders trying to find my chart. She said (chewing), "Oh, hi, Hillary. We got the results back from your thyroid tests done in the hospital. Looks like you have growths on both sides of it." I was so shocked, I don't even remember hanging up the phone. I called my mom and started just sobbing. This was such a scary moment for me: I hadn't let my fears about cancer get too intertwined in my life up to this point. All I could think about was "am I going to die?", and "I can't leave my kids". Had cancer invaded my whole body?

I met with the surgeon within the next couple of days. He said the cells in the two growths on either side of my thyroid were called "follicular neoplasms" which means they can't say that they are specifically cancerous but they would have to remove the growths to be sure. He said they would try and leave half of my thyroid so I wouldn't have to take medication for the rest of my life. For those of you who don't know, the thyroid is located right below where your Adam's Apple would be, adjacent to the vocal chords.

I checked into the hospital exactly 2 weeks after the last massive surgery. This one was much less painful, but it's pretty scary when you know someone is going to slit your throat while you're unconscious. I woke up unable to talk with a sore throat like I had swallowed a cactus. Luckily for me, my surgeon was able to combine the thyroid surgery with the insertion of a port (port-a-cath, like picc line) into my chest so I could receive my chemotherapy treatments through that instead of through an IV in my arm.

My doctor came in later in the day to say that he had had to remove the entire thyroid. Unfortunate since the pathologist didn't think it was cancerous after all. Oh well, just another scar to add to the list. Besides, this one was cool. It was a 3 inch gash across the base of my throat! I was starting to look pretty tough.

Thanks For the Support

We had a blast at the race today. Aside from waking up at 5:45 am to get everyone fed and down there before traffic got too bad, the hot hot heat, and the silly Scientologist preachers, we really had a good experience. I felt so much camaraderie, and even though I don't have the same kind of cancer, a lot of us have the same or similar therapies. It's unfortunate that it's the pain that brings us together.



Thanks to Mom, Teresa and Margie for walking with us, and Miranda et al for meeting up after the race.

Meeting Place Before the Race

Ok. I've had a lot of people decide to walk or run the race this Sunday the 12th. I've never done this one so I don't know a good place to meet so I've tried to come up with something. For those of you who want to meet up before the race, Dan, Tristan, Maja, and I will be leaving our house at 6:45 am in order to find parking and get situated with the kids. If you'd like to, feel free to meet at our house in time to leave by then. The 1 mile starts at 7:45 am (after the 5K competitive run at 7:30).

I know there will be tons of people there so if you want to walk with us but prefer to meet there and can't find us, I'll have my cell phone on me.

Also, there was some talk about brunch afterward at First Watch. I think I'm in, but we'll see how I feel after a mile of walking with a 15 pound babe strapped to my chest. I'm so excited to do this! Yippee!!

See you all at the race!

Race for the Cure

I am a runner. That's how I've always described myself whether I'm in shape or not. I ran cross country and track for Ft. Collins High School, Fort Lewis College and Kansas State University. I love to run. I haven't run since I was about 4 months pregnant with Maja. Obviously, I've had some medical conditions and surgeries to recover from which have prevented me from doing so.

Cancer and chemo make me want to detoxify my body; for the most part, I'm only hungry for healthy foods and juice. It also makes me really want to run again, probably because I can't. So, I'm going to take the running out of the race and do the things I can do. I walk every single morning, whether it's around the block or up to a mile. I strap Maja onto my chest and we are silent for the next half hour or so. It provides a time for me to be with nature, observe the rest of the world, and to think about life. It's a good time to meditate.

All of this is fine and good, but I realized that the runner in me is missing something: a race! Now, I know I can't compete in the Bolder Boulder right now, but I think there is another wonderful race where simply finishing is winning, and walking is just as good. The best race for me at this point is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I don't have Breast Cancer, but this would be a great chance for me to connect with other women with Cancer who are fighting for their lives. I will race for my Aunt Gail who survived Breast Cancer last year and continues to show her support for me. If anyone else would like to accompany me and my family, please join me! You need not be in the shape of your life to compete in this race, but I guarantee it will make you thankful for the health you do have.

The race is Sunday, August 12th at Union Station in Kansas City, MO.

http://www.komenkansascity.org/Default.asp

Let's Get Real

Here is a blog covering the news about another woman with cancer. I don't know her, but it made me very sad to read that she had passed away this week. We share a lot of similarities so it's been hard for me to think about. Please send her family as much positive energy as you can.

http://karincarter.blogspot.com/

The Bald Lady

I was taking my daughter for a walk a couple of days ago and feeling pretty down on myself; pretty lonely. I enjoy my walks because I can have silence and move inward for awhile. A couple of blocks into it, I came up on a small intersection where a car had stopped at the stop sign perpendicular to me. It would take me awhile to get to the intersection so the car could have gone but it rested there, waiting for me to get closer. The driver was a bald woman wearing a baseball cap like the one I was wearing, and glasses. She was looking at me and grinning the biggest grin she could. I couldn't help smiling back at her and was suddenly so happy. I noticed a few other people in the car and they turned to look and smile at me too. The car turned the corner in front of me and headed on it's way. I watched it get smaller as it climbed the hill, then dipped out of sight as it passed the crest. I walked faster, subconsciously following the car, still smiling. I wanted her to come back so badly! I really needed that. Sometimes just knowing there are other people like you out there doing exactly what you're doing can make a world of difference.

Cancer Guilt

There is a lot of guilt associated with cancer. For me it seems endless. When I resolve one thing I feel guilty about, I start feeling guilty about something else but there's always something. Sometimes there are many things I feel guilty about.

When I first started thinking about the cancer I thought I must have done something to my body to create this cancer in myself. Maybe it was that cigarette I smoked in 8th grade. Maybe my vegetarianism somehow robbed my body of something it needed. Maybe I was too promiscuous or smoked too much pot in college. Were my maternity pants too tight? I must have used the wrong tampons. Or maybe I shouldn't have used them at all. My self-accusing thoughts abound.

Then I started feeling guilty that I was robbing my children of this time in their lives. Maja hasn't had her pictures taken yet mostly because we don't have the time between chemo treatments and hospital trips but partially because we're spending all our money on prescriptions and medical bills. I feel guilty that almost every dollar we have goes to me and my needs, not to them. I feel guilty that Tristan is so angry lately. I think I've been trying to talk to him about cancer too much. He's having a hard time with it.

Now I'm starting to feel guilty that I wasn't prepared enough for any of this. Perhaps I should have had a cancer savings. I also feel guilty that I can't take some of the side effects like mouth sores. I feel guilty when I have to ask for help. I don't like not being able to do things on my own. One of those things is mowing my lawn. That's just a vanity issue, right? I can live without a mowed lawn. I won't get sicker if my grass is several inches higher. I want my lawn mowed but I don't need it. Same with the mouth sores. I can live with them. It hurts bad but no one can see them and I just have to eat slower and maybe not talk as much. I could use the $25 for the Magic Mouthwash and put it toward getting Maja's pictures taken.

I feel guilty about not working when I can. There are probably five good days between treatments when I could physically function. I should be working. On that same note, I feel guilty about going out or having fun. If I'm capable of having fun, I should be capable of working. And I should definitely not be having a drink and making it harder for my body to bounce back from treatment.

I feel very guilty about not being sick all the time because I know there are other people out there who are very ill during chemo. On the other hand, when I am sick from chemo, I feel guilty that I'm not stronger (insert guilt for not treating my body better pre-cancer) and that I need help taking care of my children/house/self.

It's just a huge cycle of guilt. It's not healthy and is incredibly irrational, I know. It will never completely go away. Guilt should be listed as one of the side effects of cancer.