Cause I'm the Mom Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anSpBUxsgAU

10 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die

1. Show my paintings in a gallery.
2. Take my kids to a foreign country to volunteer our time and energy with a program like the World Hands Project.
3. Build and live in a Green house.
4. Start and run my own web design and development business.
5. Run a marathon.
6. Talk to my parents about some things that are tough to talk about.
7. See my kids graduate from college, get married, and have their own children if they choose to do those things. I just don't want to miss the good stuff.


(still working on 8 through 10)

What would you like to accomplish before you die?

I Love My Family

We walked 2 miles at the Whisper Walk on Sunday morning, and I was SO EXHAUSTED! We're standing in front of the poster with names and pictures of people who are being honored or memorialized. If you look close enough you'll see a picture of me right between us. It was very emotional for me to see myself on the poster. I broke down and bawled right there at the race amongst all those people.

I feel like I've been holding in my tears for 6 months and now I can cry. I've been afraid that people think I'm not thankful when they do extraordinary things for me and I don't cry because I'm normally so emotional. I haven't wanted anyone to see me cry during this, so I've tried desperately to control it. I guess I just don't want to have to deal with my feelings. Truth is, I'd do a lot of crying behind closed doors when no one was around.

Now I can't hold it in anymore. It's mostly because I'm so damn happy. I never thought I'd get to the end! It's here. There is some restoration my body has to go through, but that's easy. Now I am free. It's kind of a release that I feel; like I've been holding my breath but now I can breathe and it's nothing but fresh air. Ah, life. It is sweet.


EDIT: Here are some pictures taken from the walk by the KC Star.

Day 5: Home Free?

I went to bed last night after a short amount of time in the hot tub at my mom's house. I try to do everything I can do so that I don't have to take many pills since they all have side effects that are hard to handle. I had some hot chamomile tea in a Korean tea cup. I was so tired, but I had a tough time staying asleep because of my achy bones. I woke up several times in the night wishing it was morning already so I could just get up.

When I got up in the morning, I felt like I had a new lease on life. I knew that if I could just make it through last night I would wake up on the other side of the hill. Of course I felt much better, but I also thought I was superhuman and overdid myself a bit. By the end of the day I had also developed several mouth sores that were intensely painful! I swished with my Magic Mouthwash a couple of times before bed. I didn't take any pills the whole day except my daily Synthroid and Celexa. I'm feeling good.

Day 4: Feeling the Pain

Same as yesterday, but more intense. Dan's been giving me my pills. I'm not sure what I took because I can't remember what I asked for. My tummy hurts and I can't, uh, use the restroom. That's painful. I'm really, really dizzy. Probably the most dizzy I've been so far. I had a bad day emotionally too.

My mom came to pick me up to take care of me at her house. I got my stuff together and went to lock the door from the outside. I was so confused that I couldn't figure out which way to turn my key to get it to lock. I was just turning it left and right, back and forth, not understanding what was going on. I broke down crying because I was so frustrated. I feel like I have Alzheimer's Disease. It's almost over, though. Just a couple more days.

Day 3: Duh....

Ok, so yesterday was pretty fuzzy. I felt pretty terrible the whole day. I had major body aches and dizziness. I can't explain in detail (mostly because I'm so confused right now) so I'll summarize.

Dan now has to give me my pills and I'm not allowed to touch them without his assistance. I took my steroid and had to take a Lortab for my achy back and knees. It's like a deep, annoying, jittery ache. Feels like arthritis.

I had the worst night sleep so far. I kept waking up and wishing it was morning. My body hurt, I felt nauseated, my legs were jittery, I was grinding my jaw, and having bad dreams. If I can just make it through one more day...

Day 2: Feeling Fuzzy

On Tuesday, I woke up feeling pretty good. I took my thyroid medicine before eating, had my breakfast, fed Maja, then went for a walk with Maja in the Snugli. By the time I put her down for her first nap, I was tired. I took 1 Dexamethasone steroid at lunch. I meant to take it with breakfast but forgot. My plan was to take one with breakfast and one at around 3 p.m. so it didn't mess with my sleep.

I started feeling a little fuzzy around noon. When I get this way, I can't remember when I've taken pills or what I've taken or who I've talked to or any small details. I have to make sure someone is in charge of my pills so I don't take the wrong ones...that happened last time.

Before bedtime I took my Celexa anti-depressant, and a Lorazepam which is for anxiety. It helps me relax so I can get to sleep. I went to bed at around 11 p.m.

The day after chemo is usually a pretty easy day. Not bad.