Monday, September 24, 2007

I Love My Family



We walked 2 miles at the Whisper Walk on Sunday morning, and I was SO EXHAUSTED! We're standing in front of the poster with names and pictures of people who are being honored or memorialized. If you look close enough you'll see a picture of me right between us. It was very emotional for me to see myself on the poster. I broke down and bawled right there at the race amongst all those people.

I feel like I've been holding in my tears for 6 months and now I can cry. I've been afraid that people think I'm not thankful when they do extraordinary things for me and I don't cry because I'm normally so emotional. I haven't wanted anyone to see me cry during this, so I've tried desperately to control it. I guess I just don't want to have to deal with my feelings. Truth is, I'd do a lot of crying behind closed doors when no one was around.

Now I can't hold it in anymore. It's mostly because I'm so damn happy. I never thought I'd get to the end! It's here. There is some restoration my body has to go through, but that's easy. Now I am free. It's kind of a release that I feel; like I've been holding my breath but now I can breathe and it's nothing but fresh air. Ah, life. It is sweet.


EDIT: Here are some pictures taken from the walk by the KC Star.

5 comments:

airing out said...

I found I cried the six months after chemo more than I did during chemo. It is all part of the healing process... plus I probably went back to work too soon. Oh, and lots were happy tears too. It was like I had shut off the auto-pilot that got me through treatments and I was awake enough to realize what had just happened.

Best of luck to you and take care~!


ps... I happened across your blog in google search on Ovarian Cancer.

big (ha ha) sister said...

It's so weird saying your sister has cancer. To me it was like you never had it. We would talk on the phone as always and laugh, but then I would see you without your hair and it always struck me dumb for a second. I can't tell you how proud of you I am. I always thought I was the tough one that had to protect you, but I know now that you are strong enough to take care of yourself. I love you, you are my inspiration.

Anonymous said...

We love you, too. More than you could ever know.

susan said...

Hillary,
I was having trouble posting on your most current page. Something about security. So I had to go back and find a page I could post on. Then I found a way to get past it. From what I've read back, you have really been through the mill. I have just finished up 18 rounds of chemo and it was quite an ordeal. Although I tolerated it better than some others. I'm a bit nervous about being off chemo, I feel at least the chemo was a productive action.
Now I feel like I'm waiting for something else to happen. I'm
hoping these feeling will pass.

I have a question, I read that you were taking an antidepressant
called celexa. Could you tell me
who decided you needed to be taking this and what kind of doctor precribed it. If this is too personal , I'll understand.
It's just that I have a friend dealing with breast cancer and it's
spreading to her spine. She is
starting to sound depressed. At
this point I don't think taking
medication could make things any worse. I figured if I could get
some information for her it might help. I think it could help her cope.
Thanks for any info you could give me. and I hope you continue to feel better.
Susan

September 28, 2007 2:13 PM

Hillary said...

Hi Susan!

I totally felt the same way about ending chemo. It's sort of a security blanket.

I was originally prescribed Lexapro by my oncologist after asking my nurse practitioner for it specifically. I knew I needed something to help me feel happier because it was a downward spiral for awhile! Lexapro is very expensive ($50 a bottle with insurance) so my insurance company suggested an alternative, Celexa, which is 100% insurance paid for 6 months. I thought I'd try it and it definitely makes a difference. I am going through menopause too, so I have quite the mood swings to add to the mix. I feel so much better!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. A positive outlook is SO IMPORTANT when you're trying to heal yourself, but it's often hard to do.

Congratulations on the end of chemo for you! Wow...18 treatments?! Your doctors must think you don't need it anymore. It's time to get healthy! :) Way to go.

The Last Lecture